Monday, February 7, 2011

There was a full moon
just a few days before I left

Now there is a sliver
but gaining

there was darkness
and I didn't even notice it

Saturday, February 5, 2011

We were talking about old times, friends and neighbors, and she said that they had three girls most likely only because they wanted to have a boy. After the second girl they must have tried for a boy.  It struck me that I never had that thought when I was pregnant, that my preference would be a boy. For some unknown reason I thought I would have a girl.

I guess in the back of my mind (nothing was really in the front of my mind in these days) I must have felt more comfortable raising a girl since I was a girl myself. I knew a little about girls. No conscious decisions or preferences there. But there never was the idea that it should be a boy. I didn't really know then why so many preferred a boy. I guess it must be the continuation of the line and I guess I just never thought about that. I knew I wanted a baby and I was having a baby and that it was going to be a dark haired, dark eyed girl. I got very fast used to the surprise of a cute blue eyed, blond little boy and even the pee into my face didn't bother me. It was all so full of surprises....

She said that she always only wanted boys for children, only boys, since she never liked to be a girl. Girls always had to do everything for everybody and she hated it. Boys could do what they wanted to. Never knew this about her. And then I knew that I always liked to be a girl with all the troubles involved.  I guess I never questioned it. I liked the boys but I guess I never wanted to be one. Why? I don't know,  I just never thought about it until she told me that she used to hate to be a girl. What irony since she turned into a girl that always, always, always did everything she was asked without rebellion..... unlike me. Rebellion .... why? I didn't know it just came out like that.